“This is the truth. It is tireless. The truth will not leave you in peace. It pushes against you all the time, from everywhere showing how it all really is. It may tease and irritate”. – Neale Donald Walsch- Conversations with God – book 1″.
For sure you have heard the Bible saying “after their fruits ye shall know”. The fruits which are the proof of what you say, the actions you take. And you can read that it is more important what you do than what you say. And this is true. In conclusion, actions are the proof. Not what we promise, say, claim, but what we really do. But, there is another question. It is also important WHY we do something. The WHY meant as intention, motive to what we do. “The why” is fundamental to what we do. “Pure intention” brings “pure actions, pure decisions”. It brings internal peace, joy, harmony. Even if the decision is difficult at the first sight.
Feeling guilty, sense of commitment, shame, pressure, mission, sense of control, the desire to reciprocate, need of being accepted, need to be secured, so called comfort. These are the motives and intentions that often trigger our actions and decisions. These are the intentions that bring you internal dilemmas, incoherence, self-manipulation, self-deception. And there is another group of motives/ intentions. Love, peace, truth, sincerity to yourself and others. These intentions are pure. No hidden agenda. Purely, clearly, transparently. Even if it is difficult. How many relationships and professional relations are based on sense of commitment, guilt, sense of control.
Everything but love and truth.
Isabella, my friend. She was 42, 6 years after divorce. She is well educated, self-employed. She started dating the man of 54. She met him in professional situation. He was CEO of a big company.
When she started dating him, she told me that it was so-so. But he was a good person, intelligent, free and wealthy. She did not feel love from the very depth of her heart. She claimed she liked him, respected him and there were many things to do together. In her opinion he was polite, eloquent, clever.
And, it was important to her, he could give her material stabilization. She did not have to work so hard, because he could give her good life. And all the time she was making all long list of pros, and she was convincing me that it was a good choice. Well, if we mean logic- the list stood for pros. All list of pros. But one bullet point was missing.
Guess, what I mean? Love.
Not on the list. Not at all.
She convinced herself that it was good relationship, that she would be happy, because they have many things in common. You may ask- what is wrong about having a good match? What is wrong that someone wants stability, good life? What is wrong if they match each other intellectually, socially, they have similar value system? Nothing is wrong. Let’s leave the judgment.
I am just asking one question instead. Why did she convince herself so much about the relationship? There was wedding ceremony. They got married. After one year we met again. She kept on convincing me about her marriage. She emphasized the decision, even I did not ask her. Only her gestures, face expression, energy were not coherent with what she was saying. I felt a kind of constraint, heaviness, playing the role in front of herself. Later on we met another 1,5 year after. That time she spoke openly that she was in this relationship because of sense of commitment, some kind of guilt – he is a good person, and so called comfort and status quo.
She asked me about my opinion. In fact, my opinion is not important at all – I told her. What is important – How you really feel with it? What are your deepest feelings? Her loyalty ( she did not have affairs, she did not betray him, taking care about home, being a good intellectual partner). Good fruits. Good actions. Kind and noble behavior. Well, if it is so kind and noble, why are you so exhausted, sad, have no energy? Maybe just “purity of initial intention” was the key? Maybe pure intention fertilizes all the fruits with energy of joy, fullness, love, harmony? The rest, even if it looks good is rotten and frozen inside. Feel your intentions and final fruits.
“This is the truth. It is tireless. The truth will not leave you in peace. It pushes against you all the time, from everywhere, showing how it all really is. It may tease and irritate”. – Neale Donald
Walsch- Conversations with God – book 1″.
In the previous article ( post), I described and gave my own definition of so called “comfort zone”. My definition is just completely opposite to common meaning. I called it “zone of dilusion, zone of fear”. How to leave the zone of fear?
I will start with some examples and connect it with practical exercise. You may do it here and now. Take into consideration 1 situation in your life that you call – I am in the ” comfort zone”. For example, you have worked in the same company for many years. Your situation is secure, you have got your money on your accout every month, no surprises, even surprises are predictable. And somewhere deep inside, something is pinching you.
1. Now take a sheet of paper.
Draw a round circle. 🙂
2. In that circle, write the most true, honest, nacked answer to the question:
What do you cheat yourself with , claiming – this is comfort zone for me?
Write what is coming to you.
Leave thinking and judging. Just write.
This is how the leaving the zone starts.
Call things by name. In the mirror of yourself.
If it pains, and you feel discouraged, or you are angry, or you want to stop it – it is ok.
Write, write, what is coming to you. Even if it is very uncomfortable.
3. When you have finished, answer the following question:
What is the purpose of all the pretending?
Write on, keep on writing.
4. How do you feel when you pretend?
Write on, keep on writing.
5. AND ONE BIG STEP FORWARD
Imagine, that all you have written is not in your life any more.
What actions are coming to your mind?
How do you feel when you are free from all that stuff?
6. AND DECISION:
What are you starting to do to feel the freedom in your real life?
Do You know- when is the best time to change?
Is it tomorrow, has it already passed, maybe 1 of January?
MANAWA – this is Hawaiian word- meaning moment of your power is now.
So NOW – to the zone of COMFORT, your comfort.
You probably know this popular phrase:
“If you want to make change you have to leave your comfort zone.”
This is what we repeat all over and again.Im my opinion thoughtlessly. Yes – thoughtlessly. Just think. What kind of comfort is to be stuck at work you do not even like? You are there because you are afraid of paying your bills. You are afraid that you would not find something really exciting. You have got this rotten stability. You are afraid of the prestige or company car you can lose. What kind of comfort is to be stuck in relationships where there are no sincere feelings. And you are there because you feel guilty or call of duty. And you call it sense of security. What kind of comfort is to be independent single person when, in depth, you are scared of closeness and openness?
COMFORT – is synonym of good feeling, light, pleasure, is not it?
Here so called “comfort” is a sphere where you feel bad, look for excuses , rationalize, theories. You wait for something , but you do not know for what exactly. A KIND OF COMFORT- SITTING ON THE CHAIR THAT IS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. And sometimes something just whispers (or shouts) : you lie, you lie, you cheat yourself. But, very often, you keep on cheating, pushing it away, and pretending all is ok.
What if you call that FEAR ZONE?
Or stronger. Zone of self delusion, zone of excuses, zone of insincerity. What if you call the fear- just THE LACK OF INFORMATION. Lack of information about yourself, what I really want, who I am. Lack of information – what is that can change your life. It is lighter, is not it? Because you can always look for information. And if you look for information, take different perspective, then you open your mind and soul to new solutions. We are stuck in this fear zone and self delusion, not because we are afraid of new and unknown. We stay there because we know it well, even if it pains. But we know the pain, it is predictable for us.
And how does the move towards leaving the zone start?
It starts when you start calling things by name. You notice that safety, independence, comfort is your self delusion. And call it by names. It starts when you stop believing and convincing yourself that all is ok, that this is the life, that you should do it on behalf of good, you do not belief your reasoning. Well sometime this self delusion can last years and decades. So, it may be fearful to leave the zone. But, what do you feel later on? Can you remind such situation? Go back to such decisions. Go back to the moments when something grew, rose in you. Something like water pushing on the glass surface with enormous power. More and more, irrevocably, no way back, already out of your control. And then cruuush, break. And after that break, after the crash , you felt as if you regained yourself, with new breath, new power, clarity. Do you remember such situations?
And how to leave ZONE OF Self delusion, zone of fear?
You will read in next article.
How to make profoundly good decisions? For sure, you have made hundreds decisions so far. You have reached many goals. Maybe, there are some decisions you regret. There are also decisions that you would never change. And there are some decisions that you still explain, rationalize. You emphasize and claim that you learnt a lot, that the decision was ok, that it was a valuable experience. But, somewhere deep inside, you know you convince yourself and feel something like internal embarrassment .
Is all above your case as well? So, what does the soul have to do with it? Many decisions we make, especially in business, we make on intelectual and analyticall bases. We may call them rational decisions. We calculate, rate, plan, consider „fors” and „against”. We choose studies that give well paid jobs – it is more rational rather than follow the passion. We choose „secure” corporation life.
Soul based decisions sound like magic swears. It may be so. But I do insist on conviction that only soul based decisions are effective in the final result.
Well, but what does it really mean – SOUL BASED DECISION?
And what if you do not belief in soul?
That is ok. You may call it intuition, good feeling, the sixth sense.
I will submitt my private point of view.
What is soul based decision, and how to recognize it?
I have recently made short analysis of my decisions.
The decisions that I consider to be SOUL BASED DECISIONS.
What are the criteria, how they are connected, what they have in common.
1. They were a kind of “enlightment”. Something pushed me towards them irrevocably.
2. If you asked me – „ Would you do it the same way again?”, my answer is – YEEEES, the same way.
3. I did not walk around and ask others,I did not acknowledge my decision with other people.
4. I did not have to do a long list of „fors and againsts”.
5. I was calm and sure ( there was no fear about the future, there was no „wow, wow, wow” optimism).Just sure and calm.
6. I was accompanied by such feelings like release, calm, fullness, certainty of what I do.
7. Trust and letting go. I was free from thinking about scenarios, more or less real options, strict results. I was free form doubts – what if?
8 . I did not calculate if it brings benefits, if it is safe, or what will the other say.
Sometimes the idea/ decision comes quickly, you just know. But you are under pressure, feel guilty – if you make the decision, you do not listen to your feelings. You even try to neglect it, and push it away. But it is still over there.
Here are 3 of my decisions.
When I was 27 years old ( 20 years ago I decided to become business trainer. 20 years ago. Those days it was new profession. I was so sure of it. I did not ask whether I have skills and competences to do it. I did not wonder whether it was worth my effort and changes. I did not considered whether it was better to work further on as sales manager. I did not hesitate. I knew it . That is all. Of course – I took actions. I looked for mentors, for new training companies. And good people and circumstances appeared around me. After 1 year I ran my first classes with Unilever sales force. :).
Decision about my divorce. Then and now I consider this decision as the most honest, sincere. Honest to my me and my ex- husband. It brought us release, good and clear relationships after the divorce. The decision was born practically after 3 years of my marriage. I did not love him, nor he did. We were together because we both felt guilty to hurt other side, because it was against rules and family. But it was in our minds.
It was about telling one man that he is love of my life. I told that 3 times. Today – we are NOT together, and we have never been. If I was to do it once again? No doubt. I would do it once more the same way I did. Because it was and still is real and sincere, from the very depth of my heart. No matter how it is the situation today.
All those decisions are connected with feelings: I DID WELL, release, calm, peace of mind, coherence, sincerity. This is how I recognize them. And what about you?
Questions you may ask to yourself to help recognize your SOUL BASED DECISIONS.
1. How did the idea come to my mind? Was it some long lasting process, based on analyzing and calculating various options or was it rather like light spark?
2. What was your feeling when it came to you?
3. Did you ask other people if do it or not? Did you change your decision under their opinions and points of view?
4. Did you do a long list ‘fors and against” , and you are still not clear which priorities to take?
5. What are your feelings when you think about the decision?
6. IS IT ME, my choice is me in my essence?
If you are just in the state that some idea/ draft of decision ( of any kind- proffesional, private), has come to you, do not push it away.
• Face it.
• Call it by name. Call it, even if it is now far away of what you do, where you are in your life.
• Sit in calm place.
• And ask 1 simple question to yourself: ” How do I feel when the decision has been made?”.
• And feel your feelings.
Probably you are wondering what the heck it is about, and who are Navaho Indians. Navahoes are one of the biggest tribes in The USA. And they still have very interesting tribal ritual. If you have any problem, you are in bad mood, you are frantic with negative emotions, then you have right to complain in front of other people from your tribe. You have right to do it exactly 3 times. 3 times that’s it. After the third time your listeners turn their backs on you. They show you that they do not want to listen to your problems any more.
So where is the empathy right here?
Keep on reading.
Then they add:
We are turning our backs on you because we love you.
We do not want your fears and bad emotions, and problems to take control over you.
Why is this simple ritual so wise? Energy is following your attention. The things that are given your attention grow. If you let the other person to talk about his/ her problems all the time you do not help her. You only help to add more energy, power and attention to the problem or negative emotions. You push her/ him toward fear and pain. Moreover, you become infected with those emotions. You are both stuck in these emotions, sorrow, problem. You are both stuck in weakness. Yes, it also poisons you and your emotions. And if you, yourself, keep on eternal analysis of your past, you maintain your sorrow, grief, past anger then you are stuck in this energy. Literally you are dead. You cannot move forward.
Ann is one of my closest friends.
She had a problem. With a man, of course. She complained she had received too little care and attention from him. In fact she was living in the state of uncertainty. He appeared and disappeared, he was uncertain of himself. We spent hours talking, analyzing , talking, analyzing and so on, and so long and around. I felt exhausted and devoid of my energy, literally. And the case was all over the same. We kept on repeating the same pattern. His escape, her fear, my “support”of this pattern. And I suddenly reminded of the Navahoe’s ritual.
I told Ann:
” Ann, turn your back . Turn your back on his fear and behaviour. This is the only way to help this situation, help him.
If you keep on following this pattern- his escape and returns you let it grow.
And me, I also let it grow keeping on listening to the same story all over again. She was angry. She did not want to talk to me . But for a very short time. Finally she turned her back. We changed the scheme, we broke the pattern. We all passed over THE ZONE OF WEAKNESS, the zone of energy of fear, the zone of poor emotions. And you. What pattern do you still support? Is there anything that you do not want let go? Is there anything you are not able to forgive yourself and others? Look at this. Say goodbye. Turn your back. And go. To your life. To New Beginning.
Hough – Joanna
Some time ago, I was talking to my friend. So called night talk, sincere, deep, even spiritual. Discussion about emotions, feelings, self-awarness, how we really express it. And he said one specific sentence :
“You know Joana, hell is not hot, hell is not somewhere there after death. Hell is cold and frosty, and it is here although you do not want to realize it.”
Well, that unfortunately makes sense, I thought. Hell is cold like a fridge, like Antarctic. Cold, iced. Do you know what emotional coldness is? Do you know how it is to be cut off your feelings? This is hell – my, maybe yours. This is hell we create to ourselves. Sometimes for some time, sometimes for the entire life. And we claim and convince ourselves that this power, determination, force.
4 simple questions:
- When do we start to descend to hell?
- Why do we descend to hell?
- How do we descend to hell?
- What is the “purpose” of descending to hell?
You may descend to the frosty hell when you feel fear , you got hurt, rejected. Sometime you may call your fear with different name like: fate, karma, bad luck, this kind of life. You ( and I) look for different excuses, give different name not to face it. Only not to call it REAL NAME.
You descend when you think you want to feel safe. When you think you prefer not to feel. Because feeling pains. And you think it is safer to be cut off feelings. Beacuse they were hurt, rejected, unrespected. When you cut them off you will feel safe. There will not be pain any more. And you start to live- taugh, strong, nothing can move you. You put various masks on. You escape, you firght. Sometimes your maska appera as arogance, cynism, fight. Sometise the look like withdrawal, separation. And sometimes they are less obvious. They look good, look like possitive attitude, possitive actions. You are like therapist, helper, activist. You are still on duty and in service. First duties , obligations, sacrifition, and late duties, obligations, sacrifition. Alle day on duty. No time for being face to face with yourself, not time for listening to your thoughts and feelings. No time and no space to face the fridge. Your emotional fridge, because otherwise you would have to do something with it.
You cannot let it come. Sometimes you call it status quo. I will not be changing anything, this is merely ok, I will not risk anything. Sometimes you call commitment, sacrifice, duty (put here whatever you want). We are very creative not to face our frozen feelings. And if you have just noticed that this is about you, that you are in the fridge- it is ok.
This is how defrosting begins, slowly, but irrevocably. How to leave the fridge? Just admit, you have got feelings and emotions. Accept your fear and pain, accept is as a part for you. Give the right to live- hot, full of revealed feelings and emotions. All emotions expressed. Give yourself right to love.
That is it. That is all. This is as simple as that. No philosophy, no pompous claims. Just live foulness of feelings although it sometimes pains. But both pain, bliss, pleasure are vivid. And the fridge? Good place to keep ice cream. That is it. 🙂